Damsel In Distressed jeans

Though I finally consider myself in recovery from my eating disorder, this was not always the reality I got to wake up to.  As I begin this journey away from the fairytale, I want to outline the timeline of how things came to fruition. I was a damsel in distress even before the eating disorder began, in the perfectly fragile state to mistake an enticing witch for what I thought to be a my own prince charming.  My knight in shining armor had arrived in the chaotic lunchroom of my high school cafeteria, blowing a kiss while motioning to the nearest trashcan. This is when I met ED. *

I started with restriction when I was about 16 years old. Around the same time I found myself struggling with diagnosed depression and anxiety. Restricting food became my means of coping with my emotions, my nerves, and the unfamiliar “beasts” so to speak. To be clear, I did believe that losing weight and looking a model-type of way would increase my happiness. Some may not be able to acknowledge the appearance based draw that an eating disorder has on a person. It is certainly not the only factor in one’s falling pray to the disorder, but I personally find it important to acknowledge as a substantial contributing factor if you ever want to find recovery. You probably wanted to be skinny... and its ok to admit it!

Restriction left me feeling free, no longer a captive to whichever beast the witch had most recently sent to take me down. Unfortunately the type of freedom I found also left me feeling lost in a foreign land that restriction and I couldn’t navigate alone. In chapter: “Still pretty fucking miserable” enters Bulimia.  And it was off to the races. I could have my cake (as any princess would want) and eat it too…

This damsel was unaware of the distress her restricting, bingeing, and purging had created. A fog of pills, alcohol, and men created the perfect backdrop for more relevant and treatment-worthy dilemmas to surface.

My eating disorder had found a place to camouflage itself and it hid there with minimal disruption for 7 years—until now.

* I’ll refer to ED throughout this blog as an abbreviation for Eating Disorder. Though some dislike the term, to think of my eating disorder as a separate entity from myself has been very helpful in keeping me away from “him”